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#13830 - Sun, 07 Feb 2010 03:51:00 A New Bum
CONNY'S PIG Offline
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Registered: Sun, 03 Aug 2003 19:00:00
Posts: 3398
Loc: Sunderland
Had a very nasty experience with a chicken Phal a few days ago. Now in urgent need of a bum transplant.

Can anyone help - urgently? shocked

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#13831 - Sun, 07 Feb 2010 04:27:00 Re: A New Bum
H Offline
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Registered: Fri, 17 Jan 2003 20:00:00
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Loc: In a Darkroom somewhere in the...
Gordon Brown will be looking for a new position soon........

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#13832 - Sun, 07 Feb 2010 04:45:00 Re: A New Bum
CONNY'S PIG Offline
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Ere Ken, as ya might knar be now, Pigster aint Gordon Brown. Ah dinnat think problems can be solved with a ban, even though ah really believe that this Phal sauce is mare deadly than a machine gun.

Well the Pigster loves a hot Ruby Murray. Ah dee a lush home-made liver Vindaloo and me Bloody Mary's hev been known to cure squints. At an Injun restaurant al often order a vindaloo, sometimes without the involvement of a wager. So when ah was offered a free portion o' Chicken Phal ah was in there like shit off a stick and tucked in, with gusto.

Burns victims often say that when they're actually on fire, there's nee pain. It has summat ti' dee with the body pumping out adrenaline in such vast quantities that the nerve endings stop working. Well, it wasn’t like that for Pigster. A thowt me number was up.
The pain started out mildly, burra knew from past experience that this would build to a nice canny fiery sensation. Pigster was even looking forward to it. But the moment soon passed. In a matter of seconds owld oinker was in agony. After aboot a minute ah was frightened that ah was garna die. After five minutes ah was frightened tharra might not!!!
The searing fire had surged throughout me pigs heed. Me eyes were streaming and molten lava was flooding out o' me snout. Me mouth was a shattered ruin and even me friggin' hair hurt!
And all the time, ah was thinking: “If it’s doing this to me heed, what in the name of all that's holy is it doing to me innards?” Ah felt certain that at any moment me stomach would open and everything — me intestines, me liver and me heart, would simply splosh onta the floor. This is nee exaggeration. Pigster thowt ee was dissolving from the inside oot. eek

Trying to keep calm, ah raced, screaming, for the fridge and noshed on handfuls o' crushed ice. This made ivrything worse. So, dimly remembering that Injun fella's use bread when they've overdone the chillies, ah cut a slice, threw it away and ate what remained of the very expensive Warburton's uncut loaf, like a famished dog.

Nowt was working frown . And such was me desperation, ah downed two litres o' that pissy skimmed milk stuff, which is summat ah would never normally touch wirra barge pole. Ah woz sweatin' profusely as me body frenziedly sought to realign its internal thermostat. Ah felt sick as a bull but didn’t dare regurgitate the poison for fear of the damage it'd cause on the way oot me trap door.

Even now, the following morning, ah feel weak as a kitty cat, shell-shocked, like ah may die at any moment. And it was all down to the devil Phal. This aint a foodstuff folks - it's a ferkin' weapon. Al kid yer not, it's a WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION...
...WITH A SILENT 'M' !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! confused2

Bottom line (nee pun intended) - me arse now resembles the japanese flag! Ah went ti perform the 'One foot plunge' on the netty and ti say ah 'Pebble-Dashed The Pan' is an understatement. A thowt ah had a stick o' dynamite atween me arse cheeks and it deployed!! Pigster needs a bum transplant now.

Do they dee them on the NHS??
Any advice will be warmly welcomed. shocked

Mr Pig

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#13833 - Sun, 07 Feb 2010 07:13:00 Re: A New Bum
Cerise Offline

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Oh gawd, I see the Pigster's back on form! :rolleyes: biglaugh

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#13834 - Sun, 07 Feb 2010 07:21:00 Re: A New Bum
H Offline
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Registered: Fri, 17 Jan 2003 20:00:00
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Sounds like Mr Pig is in a bad way...should ave had the Korma lmao '

Ash, I thought you were looking for a new a******e???

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#13835 - Sun, 07 Feb 2010 07:30:00 Re: A New Bum
H Offline
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Registered: Fri, 17 Jan 2003 20:00:00
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Loc: In a Darkroom somewhere in the...
A new abbreviation especially for curry fans...

PMAO

Translates to 'Phal my ...' you know the rest.

I'd like to see the emoticon for that.... >@<
lmao

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#13836 - Mon, 08 Feb 2010 17:33:00 Re: A New Bum
Havocman Offline
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What Piggy really means is that he had a vegetable Korma.... wink

A few years ago, my work department went out for a "team bonding" curry. There was a fair bit of banter between the waiters and us and, eventually, this must have filtered back to the kitchen. The chef put in an appearance with a saucerful of very small green chillis. He challenged us to eat one. After a very long and embarassing silence, muggins here decided to give it a go.

Now, like Piggy I usually eat Vindaloo or Tindaloo. All I can say is it was less than fifteen minutes before I was sat on the loo, leaning against the wall and falling asleep. I don't know what these chillis were but I suspect he kept them in a locked cabinet and needed a licence for them. The following day is something of a blur as was I as I rushed for the bathroom at frequent intervals.

By the way, a tip for overhot curries. Keep a hot drink handy (tea or coffee is ideal) and store toilet rolls somewhere where they will be warm. Trust me on this. It might just save your life.

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#13837 - Mon, 08 Feb 2010 17:42:00 Re: A New Bum
Anonymous
Unregistered


Quote:
Originally posted by Cerise:
Oh gawd, I see the Pigster's back on form! :rolleyes: biglaugh
Just be thankful he's feeling weak Cerise. Can you imagine what the story would have read like had he been functioning on all cylinders, so to speak.

smile

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#13838 - Tue, 09 Feb 2010 01:57:00 Re: A New Bum
Chappie Offline
Congratulations on your 1,000th post!

Registered: Fri, 06 Dec 2002 20:00:00
Posts: 1008
Loc: Nah, Luton Airport
The Curry Tales are back! excited

Keep 'em coming Sunna - your public demand nowt else smile

Chappie

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#13839 - Tue, 09 Feb 2010 03:03:00 Re: A New Bum
Lavaocean Offline
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Registered: Thu, 11 Nov 2004 20:00:00
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Loc: Barcelona
HANG ON!!! Are ye tranna say that ye missus sh*gged ye in this state??? With the Japanese flag on top or bottom?

biglaugh

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#13840 - Mon, 29 Mar 2010 18:29:00 Re: A New Bum
Anonymous
Unregistered


CP, dear boy...

You've not been moonlighting from the factory on, ahem, 'Special Projects' again have you?...

smile

India deploys new tactics to fight terrorism

Regards,


Paul

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#13841 - Mon, 29 Mar 2010 19:09:00 Re: A New Bum
Havocman Offline
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Paul, given that a large number of us may well be in the same room as Piggy in a couple of weeks, don't you think it is a bit dangerous to be encouraging him? yuk wink

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#13842 - Mon, 29 Mar 2010 19:22:00 Re: A New Bum
Anonymous
Unregistered


Pete. The link wasn't meant as encouragement, more an advance warning to others as to why he may have been so quiet recently...

ha

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#13843 - Mon, 29 Mar 2010 20:01:00 Re: A New Bum
Pater Noster Offline
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Loc: London
Bad liver / digestive problems here - may I fart in your general direction? confused wink

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#13844 - Mon, 29 Mar 2010 20:36:00 Re: A New Bum
Havocman Offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by Paul Hitchcock:
Pete. The link wasn't meant as encouragement, more an advance warning to others as to why he may have been so quiet recently...

ha
Now I'm scared!

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#13845 - Tue, 27 Apr 2010 04:01:00 Re: A New Bum
CONNY'S PIG Offline
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Loc: Sunderland
Ey up kids!
Just noticed this little lot. smile
I shall be back! eek laugh

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#13846 - Tue, 27 Apr 2010 04:08:00 Re: A New Bum
H Offline
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hurrah!

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#13847 - Wed, 28 Apr 2010 19:57:00 Re: A New Bum
Sleepwalker Offline
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Loc: Edinburgh, Scotland
I've just seen this...near split me Nambarrie in me lap! cussing

'me Bloody Mary's heve been known to cure squints'

Like the Chapster says, keep 'em comin sunna! cool

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#13848 - Mon, 03 May 2010 06:43:00 Re: A New Bum
CONNY'S PIG Offline
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Registered: Sun, 03 Aug 2003 19:00:00
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Loc: Sunderland
Will do kidrrr. wink
The Nissan Curry Club had night out in Newcastle's Bigg Market last Thursda' neet. Owld Abdul pepped up one o' the ringsting curries and ten minutes after pouchin' halfa plate ah neely took a dip in the River Tyne ti cool down! Jeeezus H!!! eek

The next morn in the works bogs (trap 2) it felt like somebody from the weld squad had blowtorched me jaxy! shocked eek

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#13849 - Mon, 03 May 2010 17:30:00 Re: A New Bum
Ghost in the shell Offline
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Registered: Wed, 15 Apr 2009 19:00:00
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Loc: Sheffield
blowtorched me jaxy lmao biglaugh

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#13850 - Mon, 17 May 2010 04:03:00 Re: A New Bum
CONNY'S PIG Offline
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Registered: Sun, 03 Aug 2003 19:00:00
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Loc: Sunderland
Aye that's reet pal - ah kid yer not. Just got owa the trauma anarl frown

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